An increasingly large number of people want me to plug things related to the Toronto Festival of Beer. Normally, I don’t really do cheap plugs, but the email inbox is groaning under the weight of folks looking for me to talk about the TORONTO FESTIVAL OF BEER and how it is going to be world shatteringly excellent and how there are things do drink and look at and bands to listen to and hats made out of beer cartons to wear. There’s going to be bacon and beer and bottle openers and Salt n’ Pepa. If that don’t make you want to shoop, I don’t know what will.

Did you know that an anagram for TORONTO FESTIVAL OF BEER is BE A SOFTENER OF RIOT VOLT?

Neither did I. It’s total gibberish. Onwards.

HATS!

The good people at Steam Whistle would like you to know that they are going to have hats made out of beer cartons, as they have done every year since the inception of the company. Why, just last year, a dapper young beer writer was seen wandering about in a Steam Whistle Elephant Hat, periodically asserting that he was not an animal.

I can’t tell you how many people tried to feed me peanuts.

This has become so popular that Steam Whistle now has a booth entirely dedicated to the concept. People wander around with hats of all kinds. Feel free to get in touch with your inner arts and crafts time kindergartener and make a hat. Be sure to smooth the edges, because corrugated cardboard can be quite pointy.

Did you know that an anagram for Steam Whistle Elephant Hat is Pale Than The Maltiest Hews?

Of course not. How would that possibly benefit you?

LADIES!

For the third year in a row, Mirella Amato will be hosting the Girl’s Guided Beer Tour.

According to the press release:

“The Girl’s Guided Beer Tour gives women an opportunity to experience new and diverse beers from around the world,” says Mirella Amato of Beerology, who will be leading the tour. “Participants on the tour will sample five different styles of beer in a tutored tasting and will get a peek at the history of women in the industry.”

I’ve never been on the tour because I am not a lady, and that red chiffon number I was going to wear to infiltrate the tour did not come back from the cleaners on time. I have seen people on the tour, and they all seemed to be having an excellent time. They also seemed to be learning.

Incidentally, it is appropriate that such a tour should be led by Mirella because an anagram of Mirella Amato is Ale Trail Ammo.

BACON!

Maple Leaf Foods wants me to tell you that they have acquired the enviable title of EXCLUSIVE BACON PROVIDER of the TORONTO FESTIVAL OF BEER! This is because they are launching a product called Maple Leaf® Bacon Portions™. I had to copy and paste that because I have no idea how make those symbols show up.

Ted Reader, who is apparently Canada’s Kingpin of the Barbeque according to the press release, will be manning the grill all weekend, entertaining festival audiences and giving us the bacon-y treats we so richly deserve. He has concocted a dish in which there is meat on the stick and the stick is also made of meat. It is a SMOKED SAUSAGE AND CHEDDAR STUFFED JALAPENO LOLLIPOP. Also, there will be beer to drink with it. That actually sounds pretty good, if a little messy.

The meat is on the stick, but it is also the stick! GENIUS!

I like Ted Reader. The man can grill. Also, he reminds me a little of Wolfman Jack.

Incidentally, EXCLUSIVE BACON PROVIDER = BUCOLIC RIDES: A PROVEN VEX.

EXTREME BOTTLE OPENING!

Brian Becker of BB Barfly Bottle Openers will be on hand to sell some bottle openers! They are revolutionary! There are new designs and colours! It slices! It dices! It picks you up when you’re down and it just can’t be beat, and it packs up your belongings and moves them to Windsor and starts your life over in a new town! Step right up!

According to the press release:

“Last year was our first year in business; this is now our sixteenth month and second Beerfest. This year we are bringing a greater variety of handle colours and a wider selection of designs to offer our growing client base more diversity,” says Becker, creator of BBbarfly. “Last year we completely sold out and this year we hope to have the same results.”

Fair play to Brian. The things are well made and durable and I get a fair amount of use out of mine even though I never really mastered the flipping the opener around thing. Go buy one, won’t you?

Before you ask, it’s Babbles Beery Plot Front.

INSIGHTS INTO YOUR VERY SOUL!

This year, the Toronto Festival of Beer invites you to learn what your favorite beer says about you. They will look deep into your chakras and intuit your BEER PERSONALITY. In the great traditions of horoscope, palmistry, tarot reading, divination and past life regression, the Toronto Festival of Beer has the following to say:

You might think that ordering a pint at your local watering hole is a simple task, but this not the case. Not only does your beer selection reflect your taste, the style of beer you prefer tells a great deal about your personality. The minds behind Toronto’s Festival of Beer have put together a list of some of the most popular styles and the traits associated with those who drink it. Read below to find out what your favourite beer says about you!

If you prefer: Lagers

Then…The bartender knows your order off by heart. You don’t know a lot about beer but you know what you like and don’t usually veer from it. You prefer clubs over pubs and are the life of the party. You usually sport the latest style and add a splash of colour to make sure you stand out from the crowd…just a little. You can usually be found drinking Steam Whistle Pilsner or Moosehead Lager.

If you prefer: Wheats

Then…You like going again the grain. You prefer beers with a distinct flavour, and wheat beers bring what you’re looking for to the table. You prefer edgy, undiscovered bars that have yet to be overrun by the hipster crowd. You dress to suit your mood, and regularly break with convention. You typically drink Mill Street Belgian Wit or Grasshopper Wheat Ale.

If you prefer: Stouts

Then…You have your favourites and stick to them. Your local pub is a traditional, English-style pub. You have extensive knowledge of obscure facts and never cease to amaze your friends with trivia. You typically wear khakis and a dark sweater. Your brews of choice are likely Wellington Imperial Stout or St. Ambrose Oatmeal Stout.

Ooooh! Oooh! This is fun. I want to play!

If you prefer: Belgian Abbey Beers

Then… Your name is John and you have 2.5 children and live in a suburb in a three bedroom house. You are secretly depressed about the global economic recession, but you put on a brave face so as not to panic your lovely wife, Margaret. You enjoy watching hockey, but usually only begin to follow it two weeks before the playoffs. Your lucky number is 45. Your favorite takeout order is pizza, but you secretly hate that Margaret always pushes for mushrooms on it. You once tried to order the halves with different toppings, but by that point, she thought that you liked them and it blew up into a three day period of unpleasantness when she discovered that you had been humouring her since the second date.

As you may have guessed, I think this kind of thing is silly.

Anagrams, though, clearly reveal the hidden truths behind things.